-musings at 4am-
I’ve now had this blog for a little over 4 months and if I’m being blunt, I haven’t made as much progress as I’d envisaged. As soon as I get some momentum, I second guess myself and take an unintentional hiatus with the excuse that my creativity sank. I don’t think that 31 blog posts in over 125 days is anywhere near enough.
One of my very first blog posts, entitled, ‘Something To Say About Self-Doubt’, is my favourite one out of them all. And that’s not actually down to the writing but the attitude I had. Having written the post, I was genuinely looking to turn a negative into a positive – I was hoping to tackle my long-term, crippling self-doubt not by some miracle cure but by ‘feeling the self-doubt and doing it anyway’. Unfortunately, over the past 4 months, I haven’t been taking my own advice.
As I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, these hiatuses aren’t due to lacking ideas. In fact, I currently have 7/8 articles on the go. Though none are fully completed, it just goes to show that whatever the hell is going on in my mind, it can’t be a loss of insight or intrigue. When I made this blog in January, I wrote a list of topics I’d like to write about, everything from the idea of objective beauty in our society to the misunderstanding of Malcolm X; there must have been at least 40 topics in that list. And yet, time and time again I try to sell this thought to myself that I’m in a ‘creative slump’, and somehow, I succeed in convincing myself that it’s legitimate. But it isn’t, it’s not true. What’s missing is self-belief, drive and motivation.
I make way too many excuses for myself, and in that way I am my own worst enemy. I used to think I was hard on myself but actually, I’m now starting to think it’s the other way around. I’m much too easy on myself. It’s got to stop.
Hard work takes effort but hard work also pays off; life is allowing me to learn that lesson through a variety of contexts. In the context of writing and general creativity, I need to be more diligent about maintaining a schedule and a regularity rather than my current method, writing in dribs and drabs. To reach the goals I want to reach and to feel myself flourishing creatively, I need to stop taking ‘breaks’ under the guise of requiring some ‘headspace’. It reminds me a bit of people who repeatedly say sorry for the same mistake – the first time feels genuine but by the twentieth time, the apology is insincere. They’re just empty words. For years, way before I even began blogging, I’ve been following a similar pattern with creative hiatuses. The first time, the hiatus was probably warranted, however, when it’s become normality to take so much ‘time to yourself’ in comparison to how little time you’re taking pursuing your passions, the reasoning of ‘needing mental clarity’ or ‘feeling overwhelmed’ just doesn’t cut it anymore. They’re starting to feel like what they are: excuses.
There’s definitely a fair amount of self-sabotaging going on.
The reason why this post is titled this way is because I have two important end-of-year exams coming up, so for once, the break I’ll take is for a good reason. But after they end (8th June onwards), I’m going to get stuck into all of my creative endeavours: writing regularly on this blog, screenplays, poetry, film-making, music. No more breaks. They’re unfulfilling.
The main thing I need to work on is my self-belief; I can’t keep allowing self-doubt to trick me into thinking I’m apathetic when I’m actually just scared and a bit fucking lazy. I want to cultivate success, not necessarily success in the commercial or financial sense, simply the feeling that you’re progressing, that whatever you’re doing is making a positive difference, even if the differences are only personal. I think I can be successful if I just put the effort in.